Chupacobra vs The Alamo (2013)

Well, if it barks like a dog, wags its tail like a dog, and growls like a dog, it’s a chupacobra. But it could also be a dog. 

I know that “original” Saturday night movies on the Syfy Channel are supposed to be intelligence-challenged, but lordy, this one is so brain dead it makes Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne series look like the work of Luis Bunuel.  

We know that the story is set in San Antonio, TX, because, well, it’s the Alamo, dummy.  Also director Terry Ingram gives us a few establishing shots of the skyline, which include what was called the Transit Tower when I was born in the city. (It’s now the Tower Life Building). He also shows us the Alamo, although when we go onto the grounds it sometimes looks as if the heart of the city is out in the country somewhere and made of wood. Uh, no way. 

Erik Estrada, who has traded in Ponch for paunch, is bike-riding DEA agent Carlos Seguin, the howevermany greats grandson of Juan Seguin, who was a hero on the gringo side during the Texas Revolution. Carlos is breaking in a new partner, Tracy (Julia Benson). They discover that a large pack of chupacobras are using drug smuggling tunnels to cross the border from Mexico and invade Texas. Writer Peter Sullivan guesses that viewers know what a chupacobra is because the discussion of them rips past us pretty zippingly.  

Carlos, of course, has a toothsome 17-year old daughter, Sienna (Nicole Munoz) with whom he has a rocky relationship. You know the drill: “Since your mother died I’ve had to be both mother and father to you, and I’m a cop and I get called away at all hours of the . . . “ His oldest is Spider (former Power Ranger Jorge Vargas), a guy who runs an auto repair shop the cabinets of which are loaded with automatic weapons, and who slips down to Mexico every so often just to massacre drug cartel members. He collects his gang to help halt the flow of cryptozoological beasties from south of the border, down Mexico way. 

No kidding—every drawer in every cabinet in the shop is stuffed full of firepower, but when the leave to help Carlos they don’t even close the doors. You know the local gang bangers had a ball looting that place. 

But back to the action. Before it’s all over, Carlos will rescue Sienna and Spider, Spider will rescue Sienna and Carlos, Sienna will sure be cute, and most of the supporting cast will become chupacobra chow. 

The grand battle royal comes at the end on the grounds of the Alamo. Or so they tell us.  

Anyone can tell from the title that this thing isn’t to be taken seriously. The acting is mostly just spouting dialogue, the writing was pretty obviously done on scratch paper, the special effects are laughable, and the director’s main job seems to have been to keep the actors from bumping into the furniture, which he was able to do, for the most part. It’s funnier in concept than it actually plays. 

Now I’m ready for Larry Wilcox starring in Bigfoot vs The Space Needle.